Football clubs of the English premiership! Are you sick of having to reveal your new purchases to the world’s baying and drooling media? Do you tire of the tedium of having to reveal your latest £400,000 a week superflop to your jobless fans who spend their days endlessly hanging around your stadium clad in full kit, salivating at the club shop window? Or are you just short of chairs, a table and a room bigger enough to hold 10 of the shoutiest men and enough photographers out-do a strobe light system at an Ibiza super club? Either way, we have the solution for you….
Introducing the all new generic press conference statement!
For just £6,000,000 a transfer window you can present your newest acquisitions with their finest hacked to bits hair cut without exposing their preschool levels of coherence and intellect, and all before they become the flops of tomorrow and reach their ultimate but timely home on the latest red headed daily rag’s 100 worst signings of all time (since the last time). Just read (or find a literate adult and get them to read) the statement below to Mr Johnny Honest Journalist and all your PR problems are solved…
MANAGER: “It’s a pleasure to have <INSERT PLAYER HERE> at the club – I’ve been tracking him for some time. He is a very good, fast / strong / tough / young / old head with a good touch / shot / pass on him. (delete as applicable)
PLAYER: “It is a dream to be at <INSERT CLUB HERE>. < INSERT CLUB HERE> was my first choice. <INSERT CITY HERE> is a great place to live and I am very happy to be here. I am looking forward to working with <INSERT MANAGER HERE>, he is a great tactician and has a huge respect in the game. I have followed English football and I believe <INSERT CLUB HERE> have incredible fans who are so loyal and I look forward to playing in the big derby against <INSERT RIVAL CLUB HERE>. I can’t wait to get playing and show the fans what I can do.
Sound familiar….does to me. Don’t know why they waste our and their own, already heavily wasted time. Interesting people are hard to find in football these days. RIP Brian Clough.
21 September 2010
When asked whether Chelsea could win the 4 competitions they are participating in this season, he had this to say:
“It’s very difficult, this is a very difficult things to achieve, Why not? If we do it it will be an amazing season”
Why not? You said it yourself Dider – it’s very difficult, and when a Chelsea team consisting of 6 first team players can’t beat a Newcastle team including 10 changes from the previous game then that’s why not.
21 September 2010
Following on from Rafael Van Der Vaart’s revelation that Spurs were a bigger club than Arsenal, Steve Bruce provided us with this piece of insight in the run up to the Carling Cup 3rd Round:
“We’ve got a home tie against Premier League opposition – we want to try and get through to the next round, it’s as simple as that. We are capable of winning the trophy. We can win five or six games; any team in the Premier League can do that.”
Woah! hold your horses there Steve – Sunderland win five or six games…Thankfully this delusion was brought to a prompt end when a full strength Sunderland side suffered a 2-1 defeat against bottom of the league West Ham.
20 September 2010:
previewing the Tottenham vs Arsenal Carling Cup tie, Van Der Vaart had this to say about the rivalry:
“I know Robin (Van Persie) and he told me when we were together in the national team what a big game it is, but there was no banter over who is the bigger club. Spurs are the bigger club“
Van Der Vaart is quickly becoming a favourite at Leazes Terrace for his bizarre comments, it’s uncertain whether he was referring to the amount of trophies won, recent league positions, fixtures between the 2 sides or even stadium size as Arsenal come out on top in each of these categories.
Just to make his comments look that little bit dafter, Tottenham (the bigger club) then proceeded to get beat 4-1 off Arsenal (the smaller club) in the Carling Cup last night.
It may well be that Van Der Vaart has a tongue in cheek style of humour that we just haven’t got yet? or that just doesn’t come across in print? Who knows, it might just be that this humour helped him nab his wife, Sylvie (a tenuous link to show a picture of her?).
ps - unless Van Der Vaart wants to star in a WKD advert, or the latest Danny Dyer film, someone should tell him to try to avoid using the word ‘banter’ at all costs…
Soccer Saturday Panel – Predictions
18 September 2010:
“Everton 3 vs 0 Newcastle” – Matt Le Tissier
“Everton 3 vs 1 Newcastle” – Paul Merson
“Everton 2 vs 0 Newcastle” – Phil Thompson
“Everton 3 vs 1 Newcastle” – Charlie Nicholas
‘Everton, Newcastle? They’re not in the top 4 are they? No don’t bother getting us any research for this one we’ll just look quickly at their last result, right – Everton drew, Newcastle lost, easy home win, all agreed? aye!’
And the correct result?
Everton 0 vs 1 Newcastle. 0 out of 4 for the footballing ‘experts’…
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