Football clubs of the English premiership! Are you sick of having to reveal your new purchases to the world’s baying and drooling media? Do you tire of the tedium of having to reveal your latest £400,000 a week superflop to your jobless fans who spend their days endlessly hanging around your stadium clad in full kit, salivating at the club shop window? Or are you just short of chairs, a table and a room bigger enough to hold 10 of the shoutiest men and enough photographers out-do a strobe light system at an Ibiza super club? Either way, we have the solution for you….
Introducing the all new generic press conference statement!
For just £6,000,000 a transfer window you can present your newest acquisitions with their finest hacked to bits hair cut without exposing their preschool levels of coherence and intellect, and all before they become the flops of tomorrow and reach their ultimate but timely home on the latest red headed daily rag’s 100 worst signings of all time (since the last time). Just read (or find a literate adult and get them to read) the statement below to Mr Johnny Honest Journalist and all your PR problems are solved…
MANAGER: “It’s a pleasure to have <INSERT PLAYER HERE> at the club – I’ve been tracking him for some time. He is a very good, fast / strong / tough / young / old head with a good touch / shot / pass on him. (delete as applicable)
PLAYER: “It is a dream to be at <INSERT CLUB HERE>. < INSERT CLUB HERE> was my first choice. <INSERT CITY HERE> is a great place to live and I am very happy to be here. I am looking forward to working with <INSERT MANAGER HERE>, he is a great tactician and has a huge respect in the game. I have followed English football and I believe <INSERT CLUB HERE> have incredible fans who are so loyal and I look forward to playing in the big derby against <INSERT RIVAL CLUB HERE>. I can’t wait to get playing and show the fans what I can do.
Sound familiar….does to me. Don’t know why they waste our and their own, already heavily wasted time. Interesting people are hard to find in football these days. RIP Brian Clough.
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